Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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