just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
