I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Someone came in the potted fern
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
