I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Im part way to drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
