I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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