id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
