I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
