When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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