so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
