Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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