I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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