the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
