I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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