I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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