Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
