Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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