The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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