I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
