I skipped work to stalk him.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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