my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
