genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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