see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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