I met the friendliest cop last night
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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