If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
