Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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