she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
