I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
