She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
