were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
