I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
