you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
