I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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