you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
