In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There's always time for handjobs
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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