if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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