is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
