how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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