I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
