is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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