the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
