his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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