i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
