So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
