apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
