Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
