I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
