Best friends brother. Beat that.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
