i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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