Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
