He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
