i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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