I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You are the jesus of drinking
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
