sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
